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The Worst Summer Movies of Late
This summer, with the terrible 3s (Spider-man, Shrek, Pirates, Ocean's), has had few bright spots, save Ratatouille, Once, and Knocked Up. I'm still very hopeful for Transformers, Harry Potter, and Superbad, but it's not surprising that this season, like many recent ones has just been positively mediocre. However, Hollywood has still given us much, much worse, and I've got the trailers to prove it.
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1
Batman & Robin
"Ice to see you!" In writing that line sounds pretty silly, but imagine it being uttered by California's future governor, bald, slathered in sliver make-up in a Gotham City populated by statues of naked, muscular Adonises, that is defended by benippled Batmen shot crotch first, and the line becomes stupidly sublime. Joel Schumacher singlehandedly stopped the franchise cold with this flamboyant mess. Good thing Batman found his footing again, thank Christ----opher Nolan.
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2
Wild Wild West
Wicky-wy, wicky-wicky-Wild Wild West. I'm sorry, but when I run down the list of failed attempts at event films, this high-concept redux of the popular(?) 60s television show is probably the most laughable. Part western, part sci-fi, all unwatchable, this video of Big Willy Stylez' hit(?) song made in Men in Black's image pretty much sums up the head-shaking wtf-ness of the whole damned botch job. |
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3
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Take a unlikeable Willy Wonka character with a lame back story about his dentist patriarch, mix in a utilitarian factory that no child in their right mind would ever want to live in, add a dash of truly eardrum-piercing musical disappointments from Danny Elfman, and top it off with zero emotional impact, and you have the recipe for Tim Burton's overpraised and underattacked hackjob. I could've just as easily put his 2001 remake of Planet of the Apes in this spot, but I forgot I saw it. And that goes for Depp too, with his Pirates sequels.
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4
The Matrix: Reloaded
I was at a 10 PM early screening of The Matrix: Reloaded on May 15, 2003. I knew something was not right with this film. Gone was the "real world" that the matrix itself was supposed to represent in the original, and in its place were various greenish, gray video game levels completely devoid of consequence and fully stocked with vague philosophy and bloodless martial arts. And then in a moment of silence in the film, after about 55 minutes of headscratching, a loud voice in the sold out crowd uttered three words truer than any I had ever heard: "THIS MOVIE F**KING SUCKS!" The thunderous applause heard in the theater was a cacophony of amens.
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5
Fantastic Four
Something weird happened with this incredibly hollow, product-placement saturated antimovie from 20th Century Fox, the studio with the awful movies and wonderful marketing department; the general public actually liked it. It's astonishing this movie spawned a sequel, but mostly, just really, really sad. I know it's supposedly for kids, but isn't that the same thing as feeding your kids a box of donuts for dinner? Showing your kids bad movies is bad parenting, plain and simple. Protect them with Pixar.
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