It's a funny old game, baseball. You can be a last place team and, on any given night, your bats could explode for... oh, I don't know... 30 RUNS! What? What?! My eyes: they exploded. I am without eyeballs, right now. The shock was too great. I really need to go to a hospital.

Last night, the Texas Rangers turned the opening game of their double-header against the Baltimore Orioles into a blowout by NFL standards. I thought I was reading a football score when I saw the result flash across the ticker on ESPN, last night. Twenty-nine hits? Texas is the first baseball team to score thirty runs (again, that's 3-0) in 110 years.

The linked video is actually the ESPNNews highlights of the game, but it's only appropriate. The studio anchors really put into perspective the absurdity of this blowout with observations such as, "24-3. So the Orioles are down three touchdowns here..." Hell, Texas hit two grand slams for crying out loud. Not even in the chintziest Disney sports movie will you see something like that.

Cripes! Imagine you're Baltimore, in this scenario. You're at home playing in front of possibly the most demoralized crowd in the history of organized sports. You still have another game to play immediately after this one. Trailing 30-3 in the bottom of the ninth, you look to the manager who offers an inspiring battle-cry of, "Okay, boys! We're only down 27 runs. We can pull this one out!"

The irony in all of this? Baltimore actually led 3-0. Remember, Texas is a last-place ball club. Oh baseball, you so crazy.

In his first major league at-bat more than 17 years ago, José Offerman smacked the ball out of the park. But that won't be the swing that defined his legacy as a baseball player. On Tuesday night, during a minor league game in Bridgeport, CT, the 38-year-old two-time All Star (1995, 1999) lost it after getting hit by a pitch and charged the mound. And oh yeah, he brought his bat with him? A few seconds later, Bridgeport Bluefish catcher John Nathans (who had tried to restrain Offerman) was knocked senseless with a concussion, and pitcher Matt Beech had a fractured finger, all courtesy of Offerman's accurate, compact swing.

Despite having made tens of millions during his 20-year career, Offerman had recently signed a minor-league contract with the Long Island Ducks to prove that he had enough left in the tank to make it back to "The Show." Now he's been arrested and charged with assault. Somehow, we don't think he'll be getting that call from Brian Cashman any time soon.

It's been damn near impossible, these last couple weeks, to go more than two minutes without hearing mention of the annual Nathan's Hotdog Eating Contest, held every 4th of July. And that's just the way it should be, damn it! Any time you get the King Kong and Godzilla of a respective field going one-on-one, you pay attention. Or else, they'll eat you! Because they can. That's what they do.

Yesterday, all the hype surrounding the event came to a head as six-time defending champion Takeru Kobayashi and American power Joey Chestnut squared off on competitive eating's grandest stage to prove, once and for all, who is the most voracious eater of them all. Chestnut is all, "Yo, I'm gonna be the guy that finally knocks off Kobayashi." And Kobayashi is all, "Say what? Sore jaw be damned, I'm bringing it!"

Coney Island was witness to one of the most impressive feats in our lifetime: Chesnut slamming 66 hotdogs in 12 minutes. Yes, that is a record. And his prize? Aside from a pile of cash, a year's supply of Nathan's hotdogs! Oh the gluttony!

As this video proves, you're not a champion unless you're throwing up all over yourself. This video is comedy, this video is intensity, the throngs of fans in attendance are rabid. This is the footage other videos aspire to. Bonus points, Joey, for draping yourself in the flag on this, our Independance Day.

From an eventful weekend in sports that included Nadal beating Federer, the return of Roger Clemens, and America snoozing through game 2 of the NBA Finals, it was Montreal that produced one of the shock highlights of the year.

Overshadowing the groundbreaking achievement of international sensation Lewis Hamilton, the first black man in history to win a Formula 1 race (a superstar making huge waves globally, known only to precious few in the US), was this terrifying wreck suffered by Polish driver Robert Kubica. Amazingly, Kubica sustained only minor injuries. As morbid as this video is, it is definitely worth viewing -- if only for the first person POV shot of the driver immediately trailing Kubica, who had no choice but to whiz through the twisted steel carnage.