Only mere whispers and mutterings throughout our history hint at the existence of one of the most mysterious, cryptic, enigmatic and… secret American artifacts. It is a secret book, kept by every President, that holds every secret United States secret in the history of crazy secrets. Its name: The President’s Book of Secrets. And getting his hands on it is the only way that secret-hunter Benjamin Gates can clear his family name, which has been recently marred by the discovery that his great-great grandfather allegedly planned the assassination of President Lincoln. In secret.

But good god, how is he going to do it? He has one option, and one option only: he’s going to kidnap the President. Clearing the name of his long-dead great-great grandfather is obviously more important than whatever else the President has going on.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present National Treasure: Boooook of Secretsssss, coming to a theater near you this Christmas.

So, if you had to cast the ultimate action movie, would you cast Paul Giamatti and Clive Owen as kickass, gun-happy adversaries? No? Then you are a poor, misguided fool, because Shoot 'Em Up has done just that, and it is AWESOME. Mark the date, my friends, because it's here -- that elusive Holy Grail of movies, the film with something for everyone. EVERYONE.

You've got Owen for the ladies, Monica Belucci for the guys, Giamatti for the film geeks... but wait, there's more. Sexy bullet talk for the gun fetishists, quirky violence humor for the Tarantino buffs, explosions for the Bay fans. Wait, I'm not done. Pratfalls for the slapstick aficionados, double-fisted-flying-shooting for the Woo lovers, and, last but not least, a baby. For people who like their movies to have feelings and meaning and, you know, babies.

Watch it. Watch it now.

It's been over ten years since Bruce Willis challenged our expectations of ass-kickery with the Die Hard franchise, and what's happened since then? Nothing good, that's for damn sure. Thank god he's back.

The first half of this "leaked" trailer for Live Free or Die Hard is a tense montage of American propaganda -- stars and stripes waving, national monuments sillouetted in grim black and white. But then, there are forty-five seconds of explosions and guns (which, you could argue, is just another form of American propaganda). And in those forty-five seconds of action, there are two car stunts that are unlike anything we've ever seen before, because we live in a sad little world that lacks awesome.

So will this movie sate our inner adolescent, who've yearned for the simple pleasure of Bruce with a machine gun and a tank top? Oh, man, we hope so. Where have you gone, John McClane? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Now get to work saving Justin Long's hipster ass. Without him, who will sell America its iBooks?